An Open Letter to Trident Gum

To the Good People behind Trident Gum,

For as long as I have borne teeth, I have chewed gum. Perhaps there is something in my disposition that compels me to enjoy its salivary goodness at specific intervals around the day; perhaps I simply despise the word “halitosis” more than your average Joe. Regardless, gum is me, and I am gum.

I write a born-again consumer who has found the way of Trident. With fourteen sticks per pack, I am equipped to endure any takeoff and vanquish any garlicky residue foolish enough to linger. Wherever I go, I sing its praises from the highest mountains, bringing Gum to all.

Yet I confess that there was a dark period in my life- I shudder now to think of it- where I thought that all gum was created equal. I drifted from convenience store to convenience store, consuming indiscriminately in lamentable naivety, until I was found by a friend in a dark alley, smacking my precious teeth against the sugar-laden horrors of the generic brand.

That dear friend was Trident Gum. To think: my teeth could be cleaned AND protected while I suckled the tenacious tit of Cinnamon? Wintergreen?? Passionberry Twist!?

From the gutter, I was found and saved, and now I chew the righteous way.

But the question remained: how could I possibly say thanks to those who have given so much to me?

Accompanying this heartfelt letter, you will find a plastic bottle bursting with the joy of my Trident experience.  Each wrapper in this collection originated from a workday after-lunch ritual of oral cleansing. Over the past two years, my mouth has labored dutifully, slowly accruing the dental fortitude to accomplish such a task.

Many doubted it was possible. They said it couldn’t be done, but then again, they didn’t chew Trident Gum.

With unyielding gratitude,


P.S. The bottle came from an Honest Tea I once enjoyed. Those guys are pretty cool too.


Trident Glory
The fruit of my labors.