An Open Letter to Trident Gum

To the Good People behind Trident Gum,

For as long as I have borne teeth, I have chewed gum. Perhaps there is something in my disposition that compels me to enjoy its salivary goodness at specific intervals around the day; perhaps I simply despise the word “halitosis” more than your average Joe. Regardless, gum is me, and I am gum.

I write a born-again consumer who has found the way of Trident. With fourteen sticks per pack, I am equipped to endure any takeoff and vanquish any garlicky residue foolish enough to linger. Wherever I go, I sing its praises from the highest mountains, bringing Gum to all.

Yet I confess that there was a dark period in my life- I shudder now to think of it- where I thought that all gum was created equal. I drifted from convenience store to convenience store, consuming indiscriminately in lamentable naivety, until I was found by a friend in a dark alley, smacking my precious teeth against the sugar-laden horrors of the generic brand.

That dear friend was Trident Gum. To think: my teeth could be cleaned AND protected while I suckled the tenacious tit of Cinnamon? Wintergreen?? Passionberry Twist!?

From the gutter, I was found and saved, and now I chew the righteous way.

But the question remained: how could I possibly say thanks to those who have given so much to me?

Accompanying this heartfelt letter, you will find a plastic bottle bursting with the joy of my Trident experience.  Each wrapper in this collection originated from a workday after-lunch ritual of oral cleansing. Over the past two years, my mouth has labored dutifully, slowly accruing the dental fortitude to accomplish such a task.

Many doubted it was possible. They said it couldn’t be done, but then again, they didn’t chew Trident Gum.

With unyielding gratitude,

Wylie

P.S. The bottle came from an Honest Tea I once enjoyed. Those guys are pretty cool too.

 

Trident Glory
The fruit of my labors.
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